This blog post was first composed on January 15, 2012, approximately 73 days or 2 months, 12 days since I lost my closest and dearest best friend (pictured above) on November 3, 2011. I am going to try to do my best to be as balanced as possible in explaining what happened. You will see me at not my best, but I wish to be fair. Like another blog posting of a few months ago, this might be a bit lengthy. For those mentioned in this posting, should they read it, I hope they will post their reply, corrections or rebuttal to what I am about to say.

Let me start off with explaining the kind of friendship I had with Neil. It was an extremely close one. We had many of the same interests, whether it be computers, games, museums, movies, or music (his musical interests are much more varied). Our personalities were very similar and we seemingly cared about each other, as friends very much. We sought each other out for advice, shared our highs and lows and had some great adventures together. It all started when I visited my parents and aunt on October 30, 2011. I had just come back from the Out and Equal Workplace Summit (O & E) in Dallas, TX. I was quite energized telling them all about what happened at the summit. During the summit, I told Neil about various small things that happened, but not in a lot of detail. I came home from my aunt’s house and with the details fresh in my mind I wanted to talk to Neil. I texted Neil asking if we could talk about O & E and he said he heard it all and didn’t want to talk to me. This made me feel hurt. Sensing how I felt, he tried to lighten the mood by texting me saying he was seeing a movie (forget which one) and that I would like it followed by a smiley face. Being hurt, I decided to not talk to him for a few days just like he did to me two weeks earlier. Not realizing it at the time, this was the biggest mistake I ever made. He texted and messaged me a couple of times over the next few days with no reply from me. I figured he’d realize I was upset and ask why, like most people would do. The last message I got from him was on November 3 at 12:08 PM basically saying “hi.” I had intended to reply back to him but by the time I saw the message he was offline. Later that day I discovered that he blocked me from Facebook, Twitter, Xbox Live, Foursquare, instant messenger, etc. Realizing that he wasn’t going to ask why he was getting the silent treatment, I tried calling him to explain, only to be sent to voicemail. I figured like times past, this will blow over. A few days later I texted and e-mailed him apologizing for my actions as I truly did overreact. This was met with silence. On November 9^th I went into New York City to get training by Microsoft. In an attempt to lighten the mood and smoothing things over I shared this with him as I do with anything interesting (as he did with me) only to be met with more silence. On the trip home, I tried calling him only to yet again be sent to voicemail. I was completely perplexed. His reaction seemed, to me, to be disproportionate to what caused this situation to begin with. His boyfriend Mark did not want to get involved, but he was nice enough to tell me that Neil still cares but did not want to talk to me. When I got home, I tried calling again, just asking for a five minute conversation, but it went to voicemail and no response to the message I had left. In yet another attempt to smooth things over, I sent Neil a Thanksgiving gift basket. It was really nice. It had all kinds of cheeses and meats in it. Unlike other times, I got no acknowledgement from him. No thank you or anything. It was only a few days later in talking to Mark that I knew he got it.

A few weeks later (November 29^th), in an attempt to find out what happened, I talked to a mutual friend of Neil & I, who I will keep anonymous in an attempt to protect the friendship that we have. This individual explained to me that I was taking a toll on Neil socially. To be honest, I do not know how I, someone who is over 650 miles away, can be taking a toll on someone socially, but apparently I was. At least I went from having no clue to having some idea what was going on. I texted Neil (and Mark) telling him that in an attempt to repair things, I will give him some space. Mark throughout all of this did not want to get involved (in retrospect, I understand why). He remained optimistic that Neil and I would work things out. He even once said he is never wrong. He advised me that what pushed Neil away was my forced (or over) communication. At least now I had a truly clear way as to why Neil was acting this way. My communication with Neil was not any more voluminous than when it was when things were fine and his volume to me appeared to be about the same. Mark further advised me that my trying to communicate with Neil will only push him away further and he would shut down. I knew he was right. I know Neil well.

As the holidays were approaching, I sent Neil a Christmas card and a check. The card said the following, “Dear Neil, While it is up to you if we will have future adventures together, I want to thank you for the friendship, caring support and most importantly, love you have given me. I look back at the many memories we’ve had and I smile. It is the gift from you that keeps on giving. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season. Love you lots, Michael.” I purposely did not put a return address on the card so that he would open it instead of just ripping it up sight unseen. On December 19^th I found out from Mark that he got the card and intended to donate the money to an HIV/AIDS organization called Positive Link run by Indiana University. I texted Neil to say that I heard he was going to donate the money. For the first time in seven weeks he responded to me. Unfortunately I could not talk to him at that moment because I was at a work function, but my card and space must’ve had some kind of impact. Driving home I called him and got his voicemail, while trying to leave a message the call waiting beeped. Since I don’t know how to handle call waiting while driving (hands free) I hung up and tried to answer the phone, but couldn’t figure out how. I called him back and left him a voicemail telling him how sweet it was of him. When I got home, I saw that the incoming call was from him. I got very excited (possibly too excited). Via text message I asked him if we could talk. He said he was at a work holiday function hosted by his VP and that we would talk tomorrow. Keep in mind I had very vivid dreams over the last several weeks about him talking to me only to realize when waking up what the true reality was. I was overwhelmed with emotion and was basically balling my eyes out. I called up my good friend Alex who has provided me with nothing but unyielding patience and support. I was nervous as to what Neil had to say to me, but Alex was there for me. The next day came and not realizing how fragile things were, I texted Neil saying that I was a little nervous about our upcoming conversation. I got no reply. At around 5:03 that evening I called Neil and it went to voicemail and left him a three minute message. I tried two more times, but AT&T being what it was, I got a message stating the call didn’t go through. I do not know how or why it registered as around 12 attempts, but somehow on Neil’s phone it did. I showed Mark the logs but he did not believe me. One thing Neil and Mark do know is that I do not lie. The image from the log is below it is cropped to remove personal information such as Neil’s phone number.

Early on January 1^st (10 days after my last attempt at communication with him) I e-mailed Neil the following, “I really would like to start 2012 off right with you. I would like to be your friend again. If given the opportunity, I will be a better one than I have. It will be a new years resolution (my only one) that I intend to keep. If you haven’t yet, I hope you get my second Christmas gift soon. Your friend, Mike” For those wondering, I didn’t make any other resolutions because let’s be honest, who really keeps them? My 2^nd Christmas gift to him was that I had a tree planted in Israel in his honor. I had done something similar in memory of his father when he had passed. Six hours later, the following transpired (my texts are the ones in green):

I then e-mailed my mom the above conversation that we had as illustrated above. Her reply was that she was “shocked and disappointed in Neil.” I then forwarded that e-mail to Neil and I got the following reply to me:

That would be the last I would hear from Neil as of this blog posting. I do not know what “immoral things” I have done. I’ve asked others who know me well and they are as dumbfounded as I am. In my reply to the above, I told him that I still do not really understand and that he should calm down and relax and we should talk since texting is a poor form of communicating things like this. I then reiterated stating that all I truly knew (other than what Mark had said to me above) was that I was mildly miffed about him not wanting to hear about Dallas. My final text to him, which I admit was not so nice, said, “You are afraid, scared, terrified to talk to me on the phone. I have now accepted the current situation but I accept it knowing you are a coward. Good bye.” That was my last communication to Neil. It was the only time I really got pissy or hostile to him in all of this (other than saying that he was irrational).

As I mentioned, Mark did not want to be in the middle of this, yet, to my discredit, in retrospect I acted badly. I was a bit manipulative in that I did get Mark involved and I slowly pushed him away as a friend. I greatly regret my actions. He put me on a Facebook “restricted” list. On January 2, Mark, in no uncertain terms wished that I no longer contact him. I understand this and if I was in his position I would have certainly done the same. He is Neil’s boyfriend. I was not a good person. I can only hope that at some point in the future Mark will let me be his friend again.

I do know that deep down in Neil’s heart he still cares. Whether or not we will ever be friends again will be up to him. While this was not all that long ago, I do know that from what has happened, I have grown as a person. I did over-communicate and I need to relax a bit. I have indeed adjusted to not having what was once my closest and best friend, who we once thought of each other as soul mates in my life. I have changed my interactions with my other friends so that I do not have a repeat of what happened here.

For those who read this blog post all the way through, I hope your opinion of me will not be diminished, but this is who I am. Like everyone, I hope to continue my personal development and be a better person to those that know me.

On another note, I added a Google Latitude widget to my sidebar. Anyone reading this on Facebook should go to my blog at www.starthan.net to know what I am talking about.

This past weekend, which I consider my “birthday weekend” by best friend Neil flew in from Indiana.  For those that know me, I like to track the flights of my various friends, especially if they’re flying out to see me.  Whenever Neil comes in, when the plane is crossing over the border to western Pennsylvania, I leave for the airport.  The past two times I was there before or just as the plane lands.  This time since it was rush hour I was in the typical I-287 bottleneck.  About 3 miles from the airport I get a text from Neil saying he’s on the tarmac.  I try to call him but of course for some reason my car didn’t feel like seeing my iPhone on that drive.  Needless to say, Neil was waiting for me.  Driving back, somehow I missed the turnoff for route 1&9 and ended up on the Turnpike.  This turned out to be a happy, $1.10 accident since the drive back felt a lot faster.  We got back, had some snacks (cheese and crackers and some hoer d’oeuvres).  We chatted for a while and then went to The Den which I was curious to check out.  Neil had a few beers, being the driver, I only had one.  I took a little video from the club (see video below) we went home at around 1:30 AM.

Friday was a pretty open day since we had the club at night.  I let Neil drive my car (he likes it) and then we went to Perkins for brunch.  Afterwards we drove to Port Reading where I grew up.  I showed Neil my childhood home and gave him a tour of Port Reading and Woodbridge.  We drove down Main Street and went to Woodbridge Center.  We did some clothes shopping (Neil picked out some very nice shirts for me) and came back and watched 17 Again.  In the evening we went to The Stress Factory comedy club.  We got seats right at the stage (our table was a Ms. Pac-Man video game machine) and saw Tommy Davidson who was quite funny (and shook Neil’s hand after his performance).

Saturday was our trip to Philadelphia to the Franklin Institute.  Despite driving in a storm that was to give us the equivalent of the entire month’s rainfall in three days, the 75 minute trip was uneventful, with the exception of having to drive a few blocks to get back to the museum’s parking lot.  We got tickets for the special exhibit, Body Worlds 2.  This exhibit was absolutely great.  We also saw an IMAX movie called, “The Human Body” which was terrific.  For lunch we had Philly cheese steaks at the museum (too rainy to go out to find them elsewhere).  I wish our drive home was as good as our drive to Philadelphia.  Our first sign of trouble is when we crossed the Ben Franklin Bridge back to New Jersey.  The road we were supposed to take that gets us back to the New Jersey Turnpike was closed.  The GPS in my 2009 Honda Accord never skipped a beat and took us onto I-676 and a few slightly flooded side roads and got us onto the Turnpike somewhere near Marlton, NJ.  We were cruising up the Turnpike in the worst monsoon you could imagine but since there were no cars we were going at an even 65 MPH.  Then we got to one mile before exit 6 and we stopped…for three hours.  We moved two miles in that time period.  It later turned out there were debris on the roadway that shut down the Turnpike and caused a three mile backup.  During this time Neil got productive.  He did some banking, did a lot of research for AT&T U-Verse and scheduled an install for his new place.  He tried to cancel Comcast, but it is too early in their system to do so.  We finally get free of the traffic jam just to find that most of the roads in Piscataway are closed due to flooding.  I took a back route home which, luckily wasn’t flooded.  On a drive that should took 70 minutes, we finally get home four hours later.  We had a pretty good dinner at Pizza & Pasta which was a two minute walk for us.  While we had planned to go to The Den again that evening, we couldn’t due to all the road closures.  We watched The Watchmen instead.

Sunday was another open day.  We went to the diner next to the Menlo Park Mall for breakfast and then we went shopping.  Neil got some really nice clothes and sneakers and I got myself the most expensive (and most comfortable) pair of jeans I’ve ever owned.  We saw Alice In Wonderland (not in 3D) which Neil had seen before but was willing to see again.  We both thought it was a great movie.  We then went to Best Buy and Neil got Final Fantasy XIII.  For dinner we went to the brand new Olive Garden in my town of Piscataway.  We went back home where Neil proceeded to play FF XIII for the next 5 hours.

Monday was “so long for now.”  I drove Neil to the airport where we had a fast food breakfast.  Gave Neil a hug and at 10:37 AM said goodbye.  I look forward to seeing him again in Indiana and checking out his new apartment sometime in June.

First a look back.

2009, I admit wasn’t one of the best years of my life. In early January, one of my closest friends lost his father. As a friend who lived a large distance away, I felt helpless in trying to comfort him. Having (thankfully) not experienced this myself, I did not know what to do. The following week, when I flew out to see him (a pre-planned trip) I discovered that my friend was far more resilient than I thought. Though the focus of the trip was to take his mind off of things, I discovered he didn’t need it. Later in the year I saw this friendship erode and end on September 18th for what I believed to be forever (he made it quite clear to me that this was to be the case).

Professionally, there were disappointments, to say the least. March 3 will always be a day I wish to forget but will remember for a long time. I discovered a new side of someone who works at the same company I do, a side I didn’t like. When others were told, some were extremely surprised while others reactions were, “yeah, I know.” Also another person who is very close to me continued to feel the full force and fury of our economic downturn and I could do nothing but provide moral, sympathetic support. He is still battling that storm, whose end, while not apparent, hopefully will come soon.

There were a lot of good things that happened in 2009. First, and most importantly, my mom’s cancer went into remission. She ended her treatments and even got to do something she never thought she would be able to do ever again, travel. Secondly, my dad regained the ability to drive at night. My parents got to enjoy freedoms once thought lost forever and for me, I think that’s a great thing! We also got to celebrate my parent’s 50th anniversary.

I got to travel to a place I’ve never been to before–Chicago the land of Obama (yeah, someone named Abe is also from that state). Yes, I’ve been to O’Hare earlier in my life, but I don’t get to count that. Despite the rain and nasty weather I had a great time walking around the city.

I also got to attend my first Defcon in Las Vegas. It was my first “Geek convention” and I found it fascinating. In November I got to do something for the third year in a row, turn a “virtual” friend into an “in real life” friend, someone I have known for six years. This was, by far, the best trip to Las Vegas I’ve ever had and certainly one of my favorite vacations of all time.

One of the nicest surprises of my life happened on December 16. That friendship, that I thought was over forever had a rebirth.  Let’s call this “friendship 2.0.” Someone once told me, “fortune favors the bold.”  I got bold and decided to reach out to the friend and he responded with kindness.  While I wouldn’t say the friendship is the same as it once was, it is still a good friendship and there is no one that knows me better than he does. I know he is a friend whom I trust and value any and all advice he can give me.

Professionally, right at the end of the year something nice happened. No, it wasn’t from the person I work with, but a peer of this person. I got an “Award For Excellence” for a project I was on. That one, single act restored my faith that there are truly appreciative people at the company I work for. Until that time, I simply relied upon myself for motivation (though my support lead also helped a lot). I am a self-motivated person, but it is always good when others help out. I can only hope my “friend 2.0″ person learns and masters this skill–let’s call it “level 81″ to use a World of Warcraft term.

A look ahead.

What will 2010 bring? Your guess is as good as mine. I hope “friend 2.0″ continues on it’s successful journey.  I wonder what a service pack would look like?

Professionally, I am more optimistic than ever. I think this year when March comes around and a “look back” is done it will be better than 2009. I do hope that despite the merger and a thinning of the workforce, I will remain with the company. My job is evolving and I plan to evolve with it.

If all goes as planned, 2010 will be the fourth year in a row that I turn a virtual friend into a real life one. I look forward to seeing my friend of 19 years when I hopefully travel to Milan in June. I also hope another friend of mine from a kingdom across the ocean will also visit, but if not, maybe 2011 will be the fifth year in a row (neat, a half decade of turning virtual friends into real life ones).

I remain optimistic for myself, my family and my friends.

Again, happy new year!