Mike's Blog » Me

Neil, friendship lost and personal growth

mike — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 15:17:15 +0000

This blog post was first composed on January 15, 2012, approximately 73 days or 2 months, 12 days since I lost my closest and dearest best friend (pictured above) on November 3, 2011. I am going to try to do my best to be as balanced as possible in explaining what happened. You will see me at not my best, but I wish to be fair. Like another blog posting of a few months ago, this might be a bit lengthy. For those mentioned in this posting, should they read it, I hope they will post their reply, corrections or rebuttal to what I am about to say.

Let me start off with explaining the kind of friendship I had with Neil. It was an extremely close one. We had many of the same interests, whether it be computers, games, museums, movies, or music (his musical interests are much more varied). Our personalities were very similar and we seemingly cared about each other, as friends very much. We sought each other out for advice, shared our highs and lows and had some great adventures together. It all started when I visited my parents and aunt on October 30, 2011. I had just come back from the Out and Equal Workplace Summit (O & E) in Dallas, TX. I was quite energized telling them all about what happened at the summit. During the summit, I told Neil about various small things that happened, but not in a lot of detail. I came home from my aunt’s house and with the details fresh in my mind I wanted to talk to Neil. I texted Neil asking if we could talk about O & E and he said he heard it all and didn’t want to talk to me. This made me feel hurt. Sensing how I felt, he tried to lighten the mood by texting me saying he was seeing a movie (forget which one) and that I would like it followed by a smiley face. Being hurt, I decided to not talk to him for a few days just like he did to me two weeks earlier. Not realizing it at the time, this was the biggest mistake I ever made. He texted and messaged me a couple of times over the next few days with no reply from me. I figured he’d realize I was upset and ask why, like most people would do. The last message I got from him was on November 3 at 12:08 PM basically saying “hi.” I had intended to reply back to him but by the time I saw the message he was offline. Later that day I discovered that he blocked me from Facebook, Twitter, Xbox Live, Foursquare, instant messenger, etc. Realizing that he wasn’t going to ask why he was getting the silent treatment, I tried calling him to explain, only to be sent to voicemail. I figured like times past, this will blow over. A few days later I texted and e-mailed him apologizing for my actions as I truly did overreact. This was met with silence. On November 9^th I went into New York City to get training by Microsoft. In an attempt to lighten the mood and smoothing things over I shared this with him as I do with anything interesting (as he did with me) only to be met with more silence. On the trip home, I tried calling him only to yet again be sent to voicemail. I was completely perplexed. His reaction seemed, to me, to be disproportionate to what caused this situation to begin with. His boyfriend Mark did not want to get involved, but he was nice enough to tell me that Neil still cares but did not want to talk to me. When I got home, I tried calling again, just asking for a five minute conversation, but it went to voicemail and no response to the message I had left. In yet another attempt to smooth things over, I sent Neil a Thanksgiving gift basket. It was really nice. It had all kinds of cheeses and meats in it. Unlike other times, I got no acknowledgement from him. No thank you or anything. It was only a few days later in talking to Mark that I knew he got it.

A few weeks later (November 29^th), in an attempt to find out what happened, I talked to a mutual friend of Neil & I, who I will keep anonymous in an attempt to protect the friendship that we have. This individual explained to me that I was taking a toll on Neil socially. To be honest, I do not know how I, someone who is over 650 miles away, can be taking a toll on someone socially, but apparently I was. At least I went from having no clue to having some idea what was going on. I texted Neil (and Mark) telling him that in an attempt to repair things, I will give him some space. Mark throughout all of this did not want to get involved (in retrospect, I understand why). He remained optimistic that Neil and I would work things out. He even once said he is never wrong. He advised me that what pushed Neil away was my forced (or over) communication. At least now I had a truly clear way as to why Neil was acting this way. My communication with Neil was not any more voluminous than when it was when things were fine and his volume to me appeared to be about the same. Mark further advised me that my trying to communicate with Neil will only push him away further and he would shut down. I knew he was right. I know Neil well.

As the holidays were approaching, I sent Neil a Christmas card and a check. The card said the following, “Dear Neil, While it is up to you if we will have future adventures together, I want to thank you for the friendship, caring support and most importantly, love you have given me. I look back at the many memories we’ve had and I smile. It is the gift from you that keeps on giving. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season. Love you lots, Michael.” I purposely did not put a return address on the card so that he would open it instead of just ripping it up sight unseen. On December 19^th I found out from Mark that he got the card and intended to donate the money to an HIV/AIDS organization called Positive Link run by Indiana University. I texted Neil to say that I heard he was going to donate the money. For the first time in seven weeks he responded to me. Unfortunately I could not talk to him at that moment because I was at a work function, but my card and space must’ve had some kind of impact. Driving home I called him and got his voicemail, while trying to leave a message the call waiting beeped. Since I don’t know how to handle call waiting while driving (hands free) I hung up and tried to answer the phone, but couldn’t figure out how. I called him back and left him a voicemail telling him how sweet it was of him. When I got home, I saw that the incoming call was from him. I got very excited (possibly too excited). Via text message I asked him if we could talk. He said he was at a work holiday function hosted by his VP and that we would talk tomorrow. Keep in mind I had very vivid dreams over the last several weeks about him talking to me only to realize when waking up what the true reality was. I was overwhelmed with emotion and was basically balling my eyes out. I called up my good friend Alex who has provided me with nothing but unyielding patience and support. I was nervous as to what Neil had to say to me, but Alex was there for me. The next day came and not realizing how fragile things were, I texted Neil saying that I was a little nervous about our upcoming conversation. I got no reply. At around 5:03 that evening I called Neil and it went to voicemail and left him a three minute message. I tried two more times, but AT&T being what it was, I got a message stating the call didn’t go through. I do not know how or why it registered as around 12 attempts, but somehow on Neil’s phone it did. I showed Mark the logs but he did not believe me. One thing Neil and Mark do know is that I do not lie. The image from the log is below it is cropped to remove personal information such as Neil’s phone number.

Early on January 1^st (10 days after my last attempt at communication with him) I e-mailed Neil the following, “I really would like to start 2012 off right with you. I would like to be your friend again. If given the opportunity, I will be a better one than I have. It will be a new years resolution (my only one) that I intend to keep. If you haven’t yet, I hope you get my second Christmas gift soon. Your friend, Mike” For those wondering, I didn’t make any other resolutions because let’s be honest, who really keeps them? My 2^nd Christmas gift to him was that I had a tree planted in Israel in his honor. I had done something similar in memory of his father when he had passed. Six hours later, the following transpired (my texts are the ones in green):

I then e-mailed my mom the above conversation that we had as illustrated above. Her reply was that she was “shocked and disappointed in Neil.” I then forwarded that e-mail to Neil and I got the following reply to me:

That would be the last I would hear from Neil as of this blog posting. I do not know what “immoral things” I have done. I’ve asked others who know me well and they are as dumbfounded as I am. In my reply to the above, I told him that I still do not really understand and that he should calm down and relax and we should talk since texting is a poor form of communicating things like this. I then reiterated stating that all I truly knew (other than what Mark had said to me above) was that I was mildly miffed about him not wanting to hear about Dallas. My final text to him, which I admit was not so nice, said, “You are afraid, scared, terrified to talk to me on the phone. I have now accepted the current situation but I accept it knowing you are a coward. Good bye.” That was my last communication to Neil. It was the only time I really got pissy or hostile to him in all of this (other than saying that he was irrational).

As I mentioned, Mark did not want to be in the middle of this, yet, to my discredit, in retrospect I acted badly. I was a bit manipulative in that I did get Mark involved and I slowly pushed him away as a friend. I greatly regret my actions. He put me on a Facebook “restricted” list. On January 2, Mark, in no uncertain terms wished that I no longer contact him. I understand this and if I was in his position I would have certainly done the same. He is Neil’s boyfriend. I was not a good person. I can only hope that at some point in the future Mark will let me be his friend again.

I do know that deep down in Neil’s heart he still cares. Whether or not we will ever be friends again will be up to him. While this was not all that long ago, I do know that from what has happened, I have grown as a person. I did over-communicate and I need to relax a bit. I have indeed adjusted to not having what was once my closest and best friend, who we once thought of each other as soul mates in my life. I have changed my interactions with my other friends so that I do not have a repeat of what happened here.

For those who read this blog post all the way through, I hope your opinion of me will not be diminished, but this is who I am. Like everyone, I hope to continue my personal development and be a better person to those that know me.

Out & Equal 2011

mike — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 22:23:12 +0000

I didn’t want this blog to turn into a “Mike’s illness” blog, so I figure I’d post the trip report I had sent to my management from this year’s Out & Equal 2011 Workplace Summit. The trip report is below this video album I created (a very talented member of the Merck Rainbow Alliance took the photos) featuring some of my fellow attendees from the MRA, plenary speakers and one or two from Eli Lilly (mostly because they had Merck alumnus, Kar-Chan “Casey” Choong) are included as well. If you want to find out more about employee diversity at Merck, check out this link.

Out & Equal 2011 Trip Report
October 24-28, 2011

From October 24, 2011-October 28, 2011 I attended the Out & Equal Workplace Summit in Dallas, TX at the Hilton Anatole. There were over 2,600 attendees representing the majority of the Fortune 100 companies. Merck had its largest representation yet with 23 members, including two from the sales force and one from TeleRX. While there, I attended several workshops such as, “Coming out in Faith: Four generations’ Experiences”, “The Impact of Healthcare Reform On The LGBT Community”, “Who is LGBT? and how do we measure the closet?”, “LGBT Support in the fight against HIV/AIDS”, “Identifying, building and developing an LGBT pipeline of rising stars” and “Understanding the New Generic Top-Level Domains (gTLD) Coming to the Internet, Including .Gay.” This year, our executive sponsor, Mike Thien (SVP Global Science) attended the last two days of the conference.

On October 25^th, the opening plenary featured Kathy Martinez, Assistant Secretary for Disability Employment Policy who discussed President Obama’s policy advances for not only the LGBTQ community, but for those with disabilities. After Ms. Martinez, Sander van’t Noordende who is the Group Chief Executive of Accenture spoke about coming out at work. One takeaway from his speech is to find a mentor to connect with, take a risk at least once a week, but go at your own pace. He also reminded everyone that diversity and equality go together. Next Andy Cohen who does the programming at Bravo TV discussed the growing number of characters who are LGBTQ as well as the many actors who are comfortable with whom they are. Andy then interviewed Candis Cayne, one of the first transgender actors to come out and discuss her transition. She then sang I Am A Woman (I recorded a small snippet found at http://youtu.be/Q-bA_NCpLKg). I then attended a workshop, “Coming out in Faith: Four generations’ Experiences” conducted by Dr. Susan Gore. The workshop examined how different generations dealt with coming out as LGBTQ or as an Ally. Participants from the four generations (Baby Boomer, Generation X, Generation Y and Millennial) discussed their experience. Dr. Gore also discussed the “movable middle” which may initially be against the idea of equality and rights for LGBTQ until better educated on the issue. The next seminar I attended was, “The Impact of Healthcare Reform On The LGBT Community.” This seminar basically reviewed the national healthcare plan and briefly discussed that it is still legal in twenty-nine states to fire someone because of their sexual orientation. They also mentioned that due to a reluctance to answer research questions about same-sex sexual behavior, it is hard to get an understanding of the health needs of the LGBTQ population. That evening Merck, Pfizer, Genentech and Bristol-Meyers Squibb sponsored a well-attended pharmaceutical networking event at the Radisson. This event allowed for a cross-pollination of how the different pharmaceuticals operate their ERGs (Employee Resource Groups) in an informal setting.

October 26^th, the plenary featured Rick Welts, who is the president of the Golden State Warriors. Rick discussed what it was like to come out in a field that is generally hostile to those who are LGBTQ. He explained that he was very surprised at the positive response he got from his co-workers before the story broke in the New York Times. After Rick’s speech, actress Meredith Baxter (from “Family Ties”) spoke. She discussed what it was like to come out on national television on the Today Show. After the plenary I attended two seminars. The first, entitled, “Who is LGBT? And how do we measure the closet?” This was a panel discussion featuring Masen Davis from the Transgender Law Center, Gary Gates who is a Williams Distinguished Scholar and Brian McNaught who is an author and corporate diversity trainer focusing on LGBTQ issues. The panel discussed that we will never really know the true percentage of LGBTQ people because there are a lot of places such as Iran who would never feel comfortable coming forth to tell. Based on surveys and other research, the general consensus is that between 5-10% of the population is LGBTQ, however, the average American thinks that 25% of the population is LGBTQ. The estimated population is somewhere between 9-26 million Americans. Age eleven is the mean age of recognition for sexual orientation awareness. Orientation, behavior, and identity are the three components of sexuality. Homosexuality exists in every species of mammal. The panel then proceeded to go over a lot of other statistics based on surveys and research. I then attended, “LGBT Support in the fight against HIV/AIDS” which was conducted by four people in which two of them were from Merck (Mike Perillo, HR Leader, Finance and Kevin Fannin, Manager, Portfolio Management MRL). The panel discussed the “four pillars” which are perspective, power, purpose, and people. This was an interactive workshop in which statements were put up on the walls and you picked one and explained how the four pillars affected you. The one I picked had to do with that HIV/AIDS was no longer a concern since it’s not in the news. With my recent diagnosis, I explained how my perspective has changed as recently as a few weeks ago. This workshop was probably the one I got the most out of and led me to post a very personal entry on my personal blog and Facebook (using the pillar of audience “power”), which can be classified under the “purpose and people” pillars in the hopes that it changes the perspective of others (you can find the posting at http://starthan.net/blog/index.php/2011/10/28/how-we-have-progressed/). I wrote this post while still at Out & Equal.

October 27^th began with our seminar sessions. The first seminar I attended was, “Identifying, building and developing an LGBT pipeline of rising stars” which discussed recruiting diverse employees into your organization. One point made is that you want to have a social environment to attract members, but it has to be a good mix, not just centered on bars and drinking. You should have family friendly events so that you can have more inclusive events. Another suggestion was that coming out day could also be about coming out as an ally. One thing that can be done is passing out cards in coffee rooms and break rooms about coming out as an ally. With support and sustainability, you have to understand the culture and needs of the individual, business and ERGs. Rewards should be optimized in all of their forms. Another thing to keep in mind is that not everyone is out in every circumstance. You may be out at work, but not necessarily with a client. The final seminar I attended was, “Understanding the New Generic Top-Level Domains (gTLD) Coming to the Internet, Including .Gay.” The discussion focused on the many new TLDs that are being created (an example of a TLD is .com or .edu) and .gay is in the review process by ICANN. There are approximately 300-500 new TLDs coming in the next few months. The company who will own the .gay domain, is a for-profit company, however, 67% of the profits will go back to the GLBT community. One of the hurdles in getting the domain is religious groups objecting. As part of the “objection” process, there is a fee of $15,000 for both the objector and the defendant. There will be clear guidelines as far as who can use the .gay domain. For example, anti-gay groups will not be allowed to use it nor will adult sites. The idea behind the domain is to give the community a unified voice on the internet. Large corporations would also benefit from the domain because they can use it for targeted web sites and marketing that would be focused on the community (think crixivan.merck.gay), which can allow for more accurate metrics for the products or message that they are trying to convey. The domains themselves would be inexpensive at $100 a year. The afternoon plenary featured the outgoing chairman of JC Penney who discussed the importance of diversity within his organization. Following him, Donna Brazille, who is one of the leaders of the Democratic party, spoke on how things have changed but how you need to continue to defend those changes since there are those who wish to turn back the clock on change. On the evening of the 27^th was the gala awards dinner. It started off with a fashion show from JC Penney. The dinner’s Master of Ceremonies was comedienne Kate Clinton. Among the speakers that evening was Wes Bush, the CEO of Northrop Grumman and Ft. Worth City Councilman, Joel Burns. Prior to dinner, a highlight video, which featured some Merck people, was played on the big convention monitors (video can be found at the following link and I can be found at 0:19 and 0:22–http://youtu.be/OcwADtdeffQ). Following dinner, comedienne Margaret Cho performed as did actor Wilson Cruz.

Our final day in Dallas, October 28^th featured a morning MRA meeting on the 27^th floor of the Hilton. In attendance was Mike Thien, our executive sponsor. Topics discussed were our “It Gets Better” video, how the Steering Committee can better engage its membership and how our executive sponsor can be a better liaison between the ERG and the company as well as be a voice in the business justification of the MRA.

Like last year, I found the convention to be both educational and enlightening. What I enjoyed the most was talking to individuals from other companies and getting their viewpoints and how their ERGs operate. Since this year I was fortunate to meet some individuals from our sales force, it allowed me to further develop a greater non-IT network of Merck people, plus catch up with people whom I may have not spoken to in over a year.

Big Announcement

mike — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 16:22:09 +0000

In a week or two, keep an eye out for a very personal blog post about what I have been going through over the last few months. Some may recall that I was very worried about some tests. I’ll be explaining that in the posting.

Meanwhile I have had some interesting adventures. In August I went to Las Vegas for Defcon 19 and had a good time. My best friend Neil gave an excellent talk on cryptography and steganography. In mid October I went to Indianapolis to visit Neil and Mark. I had a wonderful time seeing the city, Neil’s new apartment, his new car and my friend and ex-coworker, Casey. Next week I’m off to Dallas for Out & Equal which should be a lot of fun.

Click on the picture to get the non-cropped version.

2010

mike — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 00:39:55 +0000

As I write this post, we are a little over 4 hours from January 1, 2010. First, I want to wish the four readers of my blog (I count myself) a happy new year. Should by a quirk of odd luck and randomness others read this, then you too, I wish a happy new year. As one year comes to a close and a new year (and decade) comes before us, it is a time for both reflection and to look ahead.

First a look back.

2009, I admit wasn’t one of the best years of my life. In early January, one of my closest friends lost his father. As a friend who lived a large distance away, I felt helpless in trying to comfort him. Having (thankfully) not experienced this myself, I did not know what to do. The following week, when I flew out to see him (a pre-planned trip) I discovered that my friend was far more resilient than I thought. Though the focus of the trip was to take his mind off of things, I discovered he didn’t need it. Later in the year I saw this friendship erode and end on September 18th for what I believed to be forever (he made it quite clear to me that this was to be the case).

Professionally, there were disappointments, to say the least. March 3 will always be a day I wish to forget but will remember for a long time. I discovered a new side of someone who works at the same company I do, a side I didn’t like. When others were told, some were extremely surprised while others reactions were, “yeah, I know.” Also another person who is very close to me continued to feel the full force and fury of our economic downturn and I could do nothing but provide moral, sympathetic support. He is still battling that storm, whose end, while not apparent, hopefully will come soon.

There were a lot of good things that happened in 2009. First, and most importantly, my mom’s cancer went into remission. She ended her treatments and even got to do something she never thought she would be able to do ever again, travel. Secondly, my dad regained the ability to drive at night. My parents got to enjoy freedoms once thought lost forever and for me, I think that’s a great thing! We also got to celebrate my parent’s 50th anniversary.

I got to travel to a place I’ve never been to before–Chicago the land of Obama (yeah, someone named Abe is also from that state). Yes, I’ve been to O’Hare earlier in my life, but I don’t get to count that. Despite the rain and nasty weather I had a great time walking around the city.

I also got to attend my first Defcon in Las Vegas. It was my first “Geek convention” and I found it fascinating. In November I got to do something for the third year in a row, turn a “virtual” friend into an “in real life” friend, someone I have known for six years. This was, by far, the best trip to Las Vegas I’ve ever had and certainly one of my favorite vacations of all time.

One of the nicest surprises of my life happened on December 16. That friendship, that I thought was over forever had a rebirth. Let’s call this “friendship 2.0.” Someone once told me, “fortune favors the bold.” I got bold and decided to reach out to the friend and he responded with kindness. While I wouldn’t say the friendship is the same as it once was, it is still a good friendship and there is no one that knows me better than he does. I know he is a friend whom I trust and value any and all advice he can give me.

Professionally, right at the end of the year something nice happened. No, it wasn’t from the person I work with, but a peer of this person. I got an “Award For Excellence” for a project I was on. That one, single act restored my faith that there are truly appreciative people at the company I work for. Until that time, I simply relied upon myself for motivation (though my support lead also helped a lot). I am a self-motivated person, but it is always good when others help out. I can only hope my “friend 2.0″ person learns and masters this skill–let’s call it “level 81″ to use a World of Warcraft term.

A look ahead.

What will 2010 bring? Your guess is as good as mine. I hope “friend 2.0″ continues on it’s successful journey. I wonder what a service pack would look like?

Professionally, I am more optimistic than ever. I think this year when March comes around and a “look back” is done it will be better than 2009. I do hope that despite the merger and a thinning of the workforce, I will remain with the company. My job is evolving and I plan to evolve with it.

If all goes as planned, 2010 will be the fourth year in a row that I turn a virtual friend into a real life one. I look forward to seeing my friend of 19 years when I hopefully travel to Milan in June. I also hope another friend of mine from a kingdom across the ocean will also visit, but if not, maybe 2011 will be the fifth year in a row (neat, a half decade of turning virtual friends into real life ones).

I remain optimistic for myself, my family and my friends.

Again, happy new year!

Gay Marriage In Hawaii

mike — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:37:12 +0000

I was at this bar when I was in Hawaii. It was about a block from where I stayed. It was a pretty cool bar with lots of cute guys.

What’s New

mike — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 13:53:04 +0000

Not a lot of new stuff. I had a bit of a non-standard work week last week. I had two days if training on Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. I listened to Covey’s book a few years ago so this was a nice refresher. Also there’s a lot to be said about in-person training. On Thursday I had a quarterly all day staff meeting. I also put in my reservations for a Vegas trip at the end of November. Three days and four nights with hotel and airfare for under $400. How could you go wrong with that? Monday is Yom Kippur which is a 25 hour fast day. Let me tell you, there’s nothing “fast” about a fast.

It’s September and Disappointments

mike — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 09:34:14 +0000

I figured I’m falling into a trap of re-posting YouTube videos on my site instead of new content (that no one but me reads). Well, we’re a little bit over a week into September. Work, so far is going well. I’ve been busy working on a trending utility with a co-worker of mine. There’s some bugs that have to be worked out, but I hope to get it into beta testing this week. Speaking of this week, it’s a full one for me. I’m only physically going to be in the office on Tuesday (the day of this posting) since Wednesday is my normal remote day. Thursday I’m remote in the morning and then doing a Technology Expo in Rahway in the afternoon and Friday I’m doing Habitat for Humanity. Looking at the month ahead, it’s the high holiday season with Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur just around the block. We also have our quarterly departmental meeting.

The month started off with three disappointments. The first is that my trip to Italy scheduled for October had to be put off since my friend Flavio couldn’t get the time off. The good news is that it’s not canceled, just “postponed” until maybe June. After 18 years, what’s a few more months? Disappointment number two was that someone who was very close to me let me down by first saying he is “80% positive” he’d go on a trip with me to telling me the following day that he doesn’t want to go. Disappointment number three is the same said friend also promised to send me something that he knew I wanted, but in no shortage of words told me that I’m not a priority to him. You can’t have a friendship when it is one way. If he wants to remain friends, he has to give as much as he receives or heck, give something. While I am disappointed in that, it’s up to him to salvage our friendship. If he feels it is important, then he will make an effort. If he feels it isn’t important and not a priority, then I guess we’re no longer friends.

Life goes on

Vacation In 8 days!

mike — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 23:35:46 +0000

OK, above is a picture from my 2008 vacation to Hawaii. The one below is I think of the Riviera in Las Vegas. Getting ready for Defcon in Las Vegas. I don’t know if I’ll have time to blog or post pictures (or feel safe enough to do so), but keep an eye here and on Facebook for the latest information. More than likely Facebook will be updated more often than this thanks to Facebook mobile. We’ll see!

President Obama Welcomes You To YOUR White House

mike — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 11:20:59 +0000

President Obama & the First Lady Hold LGBT Pride Reception

Tell me how this person isn’t the most thoughtful and inclusive president we’ve ever had. What *true* and PATRIOTIC American can be against equality and justice for all and the expansion of democracy for all of its citizens, especially on this 4th of July weekend.

It’s July!

mike — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:18:33 +0000

It’s the first of July. This should prove to be an interesting month for me. We have the 4th of July weekend, my parent’s 50th anniversary on the 5th, HtR a day later, my midyear review (not looking forward to that) and the cherry on the top of my July sundae, my trip to Vegas for Defcon. It should be an interesting month to say the least. Oh, I posted this from my iPod Touch using the WordPress app.