This blog post was first composed on January 15, 2012, approximately 73 days or 2 months, 12 days since I lost my closest and dearest best friend (pictured above) on November 3, 2011. I am going to try to do my best to be as balanced as possible in explaining what happened. You will see me at not my best, but I wish to be fair. Like another blog posting of a few months ago, this might be a bit lengthy. For those mentioned in this posting, should they read it, I hope they will post their reply, corrections or rebuttal to what I am about to say.

Let me start off with explaining the kind of friendship I had with Neil. It was an extremely close one. We had many of the same interests, whether it be computers, games, museums, movies, or music (his musical interests are much more varied). Our personalities were very similar and we seemingly cared about each other, as friends very much. We sought each other out for advice, shared our highs and lows and had some great adventures together. It all started when I visited my parents and aunt on October 30, 2011. I had just come back from the Out and Equal Workplace Summit (O & E) in Dallas, TX. I was quite energized telling them all about what happened at the summit. During the summit, I told Neil about various small things that happened, but not in a lot of detail. I came home from my aunt’s house and with the details fresh in my mind I wanted to talk to Neil. I texted Neil asking if we could talk about O & E and he said he heard it all and didn’t want to talk to me. This made me feel hurt. Sensing how I felt, he tried to lighten the mood by texting me saying he was seeing a movie (forget which one) and that I would like it followed by a smiley face. Being hurt, I decided to not talk to him for a few days just like he did to me two weeks earlier. Not realizing it at the time, this was the biggest mistake I ever made. He texted and messaged me a couple of times over the next few days with no reply from me. I figured he’d realize I was upset and ask why, like most people would do. The last message I got from him was on November 3 at 12:08 PM basically saying “hi.” I had intended to reply back to him but by the time I saw the message he was offline. Later that day I discovered that he blocked me from Facebook, Twitter, Xbox Live, Foursquare, instant messenger, etc. Realizing that he wasn’t going to ask why he was getting the silent treatment, I tried calling him to explain, only to be sent to voicemail. I figured like times past, this will blow over. A few days later I texted and e-mailed him apologizing for my actions as I truly did overreact. This was met with silence. On November 9^th I went into New York City to get training by Microsoft. In an attempt to lighten the mood and smoothing things over I shared this with him as I do with anything interesting (as he did with me) only to be met with more silence. On the trip home, I tried calling him only to yet again be sent to voicemail. I was completely perplexed. His reaction seemed, to me, to be disproportionate to what caused this situation to begin with. His boyfriend Mark did not want to get involved, but he was nice enough to tell me that Neil still cares but did not want to talk to me. When I got home, I tried calling again, just asking for a five minute conversation, but it went to voicemail and no response to the message I had left. In yet another attempt to smooth things over, I sent Neil a Thanksgiving gift basket. It was really nice. It had all kinds of cheeses and meats in it. Unlike other times, I got no acknowledgement from him. No thank you or anything. It was only a few days later in talking to Mark that I knew he got it.

A few weeks later (November 29^th), in an attempt to find out what happened, I talked to a mutual friend of Neil & I, who I will keep anonymous in an attempt to protect the friendship that we have. This individual explained to me that I was taking a toll on Neil socially. To be honest, I do not know how I, someone who is over 650 miles away, can be taking a toll on someone socially, but apparently I was. At least I went from having no clue to having some idea what was going on. I texted Neil (and Mark) telling him that in an attempt to repair things, I will give him some space. Mark throughout all of this did not want to get involved (in retrospect, I understand why). He remained optimistic that Neil and I would work things out. He even once said he is never wrong. He advised me that what pushed Neil away was my forced (or over) communication. At least now I had a truly clear way as to why Neil was acting this way. My communication with Neil was not any more voluminous than when it was when things were fine and his volume to me appeared to be about the same. Mark further advised me that my trying to communicate with Neil will only push him away further and he would shut down. I knew he was right. I know Neil well.

As the holidays were approaching, I sent Neil a Christmas card and a check. The card said the following, “Dear Neil, While it is up to you if we will have future adventures together, I want to thank you for the friendship, caring support and most importantly, love you have given me. I look back at the many memories we’ve had and I smile. It is the gift from you that keeps on giving. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season. Love you lots, Michael.” I purposely did not put a return address on the card so that he would open it instead of just ripping it up sight unseen. On December 19^th I found out from Mark that he got the card and intended to donate the money to an HIV/AIDS organization called Positive Link run by Indiana University. I texted Neil to say that I heard he was going to donate the money. For the first time in seven weeks he responded to me. Unfortunately I could not talk to him at that moment because I was at a work function, but my card and space must’ve had some kind of impact. Driving home I called him and got his voicemail, while trying to leave a message the call waiting beeped. Since I don’t know how to handle call waiting while driving (hands free) I hung up and tried to answer the phone, but couldn’t figure out how. I called him back and left him a voicemail telling him how sweet it was of him. When I got home, I saw that the incoming call was from him. I got very excited (possibly too excited). Via text message I asked him if we could talk. He said he was at a work holiday function hosted by his VP and that we would talk tomorrow. Keep in mind I had very vivid dreams over the last several weeks about him talking to me only to realize when waking up what the true reality was. I was overwhelmed with emotion and was basically balling my eyes out. I called up my good friend Alex who has provided me with nothing but unyielding patience and support. I was nervous as to what Neil had to say to me, but Alex was there for me. The next day came and not realizing how fragile things were, I texted Neil saying that I was a little nervous about our upcoming conversation. I got no reply. At around 5:03 that evening I called Neil and it went to voicemail and left him a three minute message. I tried two more times, but AT&T being what it was, I got a message stating the call didn’t go through. I do not know how or why it registered as around 12 attempts, but somehow on Neil’s phone it did. I showed Mark the logs but he did not believe me. One thing Neil and Mark do know is that I do not lie. The image from the log is below it is cropped to remove personal information such as Neil’s phone number.

Early on January 1^st (10 days after my last attempt at communication with him) I e-mailed Neil the following, “I really would like to start 2012 off right with you. I would like to be your friend again. If given the opportunity, I will be a better one than I have. It will be a new years resolution (my only one) that I intend to keep. If you haven’t yet, I hope you get my second Christmas gift soon. Your friend, Mike” For those wondering, I didn’t make any other resolutions because let’s be honest, who really keeps them? My 2^nd Christmas gift to him was that I had a tree planted in Israel in his honor. I had done something similar in memory of his father when he had passed. Six hours later, the following transpired (my texts are the ones in green):

I then e-mailed my mom the above conversation that we had as illustrated above. Her reply was that she was “shocked and disappointed in Neil.” I then forwarded that e-mail to Neil and I got the following reply to me:

That would be the last I would hear from Neil as of this blog posting. I do not know what “immoral things” I have done. I’ve asked others who know me well and they are as dumbfounded as I am. In my reply to the above, I told him that I still do not really understand and that he should calm down and relax and we should talk since texting is a poor form of communicating things like this. I then reiterated stating that all I truly knew (other than what Mark had said to me above) was that I was mildly miffed about him not wanting to hear about Dallas. My final text to him, which I admit was not so nice, said, “You are afraid, scared, terrified to talk to me on the phone. I have now accepted the current situation but I accept it knowing you are a coward. Good bye.” That was my last communication to Neil. It was the only time I really got pissy or hostile to him in all of this (other than saying that he was irrational).

As I mentioned, Mark did not want to be in the middle of this, yet, to my discredit, in retrospect I acted badly. I was a bit manipulative in that I did get Mark involved and I slowly pushed him away as a friend. I greatly regret my actions. He put me on a Facebook “restricted” list. On January 2, Mark, in no uncertain terms wished that I no longer contact him. I understand this and if I was in his position I would have certainly done the same. He is Neil’s boyfriend. I was not a good person. I can only hope that at some point in the future Mark will let me be his friend again.

I do know that deep down in Neil’s heart he still cares. Whether or not we will ever be friends again will be up to him. While this was not all that long ago, I do know that from what has happened, I have grown as a person. I did over-communicate and I need to relax a bit. I have indeed adjusted to not having what was once my closest and best friend, who we once thought of each other as soul mates in my life. I have changed my interactions with my other friends so that I do not have a repeat of what happened here.

For those who read this blog post all the way through, I hope your opinion of me will not be diminished, but this is who I am. Like everyone, I hope to continue my personal development and be a better person to those that know me.

Here are the specifications on the Mac Pro I will be configuring for my parents:

•    One 2.93GHz Quad-Core Intel Xeon
•    8GB (4x2GB)
•    1TB 7200-rpm Serial ATA 3Gb/s
•    ATI Radeon HD 4870 512MB
•    One 18x SuperDrive
•    Apple LED Cinema Display (24″ flat panel)
•    Apple Magic Mouse
•    Apple Keyboard with Numeric Keypad (English) and User’s Guide
•    Final Cut Express preinstalled
•    HP Photosmart Premium Wireless Fax All-in-One Printer, Scanner, Copier
•    AppleCare Protection Plan for Mac Pro (w/or w/o Display) – Auto-enroll

Life moves at such a fast pace that it seems to pass us by before we can really enjoy it.

However, it doesn’t have to be this way. Let’s rebel against a hectic lifestyle and slow down to enjoy life.

A slower-paced life means making time to enjoy your mornings, instead of rushing off to work in a frenzy. It means taking time to enjoy whatever you’re doing, to appreciate the outdoors, to actually focus on whoever you’re talking to or spending time with — instead of always being connected to a Blackberry or iPhone or laptop, instead of always thinking about work tasks and emails. It means single-tasking rather than switching between a multitude of tasks and focusing on none of them.

Slowing down is a conscious choice, and not always an easy one, but it leads to a greater appreciation for life and a greater level of happiness.

Here’s how to do it.

1. Do less. It’s hard to slow down when you are trying to do a million things. Instead, make the conscious choice to do less. Focus on what’s really important, what really needs to be done, and let go of the rest. Put space between tasks and appointments, so you can move through your days at a more leisurely pace. Read more.

2. Be present. It’s not enough to just slow down — you need to actually be mindful of whatever you’re doing at the moment. That means, when you find yourself thinking about something you need to do, or something that’s already happened, or something that might happen … gently bring yourself back to the present moment. Focus on what’s going on right now. On your actions, on your environment, on others around you. This takes practice but is essential.

3. Disconnect. Don’t always be connected. If you carry around an iPhone or Blackberry or other mobile device, shut it off. Better yet, learn to leave it behind when possible. If you work on a computer most of the day, have times when you disconnect so you can focus on other things. Being connected all the time means we’re subject to interruptions, we’re constantly stressed about information coming in, we are at the mercy of the demands of others. It’s hard to slow down when you’re always checking new messages coming in.

4. Focus on people. Too often we spend time with friends and family, or meet with colleagues, and we’re not really there with them. We talk to them but are distracted by devices. We are there, but our minds are on things we need to do. We listen, but we’re really thinking about ourselves and what we want to say. None of us are immune to this, but with conscious effort you can shut off the outside world and just be present with the person you’re with. This means that just a little time spent with your family and friends can go a long way — a much more effective use of your time, by the way. It means we really connect with people rather than just meeting with them.

5. Appreciate nature. Many of us are shut in our homes and offices and cars and trains most of the time, and rarely do we get the chance to go outside. And often even when people are outside, they’re talking on their cell phones. Instead, take the time to go outside and really observe nature, take a deep breath of fresh air, enjoy the serenity of water and greenery. Exercise outdoors when you can, or find other outdoor activities to enjoy such as nature walks, hiking, swimming, etc. Feel the sensations of water and wind and earth against your skin. Try to do this daily — by yourself or with loved ones.

6. Eat slower. Instead of cramming food down our throats as quickly as possible — leading to overeating and a lack of enjoyment of our food — learn to eat slowly. Be mindful of each bite. Appreciate the flavors and textures. Eating slowly has the double benefit of making you fuller on less food and making the food taste better. I suggest learning to eat more real food as well, with some great spices (instead of fat and salt and sugar and frying for flavor).

7. Drive slower. Speedy driving is a pretty prevalent habit in our fast-paced world, but it’s also responsible for a lot of traffic accidents, stress, and wasted fuel. Instead, make it a habit to slow down when you drive. Appreciate your surroundings. Make it a peaceful time to contemplate your life, and the things you’re passing. Driving will be more enjoyable, and much safer. You’ll use less fuel too.

8. Find pleasure in anything. This is related to being present, but taking it a step farther. Whatever you’re doing, be fully present … and also appreciate every aspect of it, and find the enjoyable aspects. For example, when washing dishes, instead of rushing through it as a boring chore to be finished quickly, really feel the sensations of the water, the suds, the dishes. It can really be an enjoyable task if you learn to see it that way. The same applies to other chores — washing the car, sweeping, dusting, laundry — and anything you do, actually. Life can be so much more enjoyable if you learn this simple habit.

9. Single-task. The opposite of multi-tasking. Focus on one thing at a time. When you feel the urge to switch to other tasks, pause, breathe, and pull yourself back. Read more.

10. Breathe. When you find yourself speeding up and stressing out, pause, and take a deep breath. Take a couple more. Really feel the air coming into your body, and feel the stress going out. By fully focusing on each breath, you bring yourself back to the present, and slow yourself down. It’s also nice to take a deep breath or two — do it now and see what I mean.